Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

5 ways to appear taller

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show