If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I need to get some bricks…
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Wasps: bees, but not helping