Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?