Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

This sounds bad:

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes