If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice