If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

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CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-


Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.


So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌


– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.


Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.


If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They’ll thank you later.


Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?


“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween