@ObscureGent
@Home_Halfway
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
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@Home_Halfway
@bmarked21
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
@roselia_val
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
@That_Damn_Duck
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
@leshnevsky
– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.
@bdbdleeroybrown
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
@k_umezinwa
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
@SteelFontana
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They’ll thank you later.
@RandomRamblr
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
@TheBoydP
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween