@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

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@Home_Halfway

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@roselia_val

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

@leshnevsky

– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.

@k_umezinwa

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

@SteelFontana

If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They’ll thank you later.

@RandomRamblr

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

@TheBoydP

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween