Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

The best shot in the history of golf

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.