Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Safety first

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.