Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?