If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
they really do be looking like this
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.