If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
she has a point
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK