If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask