Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

I’m being attacked 😭

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?