Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer: