If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*