If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.