If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
good morning
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig