If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
based
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Same post same
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*