Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

bro what is going on at twitter

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Can’t. Being lazy.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed