Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

💀💀

😂🍻

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

feetloaf

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

Better luck next time champ

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…