If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else