If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
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“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
neighborhood watch
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
