Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.