If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.