Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Become ungovernable.

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”