If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
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Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
me 2 months after i graduated
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY