If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
goldfish mafia
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Who knew!
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
