If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!