Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

per my last wtf

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?