If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.