If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
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[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea