Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

beware of dog

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.