if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.