if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
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God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.