If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop