If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I think this might be relevant today.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.