If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
what’s in a name?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.