If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
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It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
