if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I’ve had relationships like this
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.