if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato