Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.