if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.