Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Not all heroes wear capes….

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Creative Problem Solving

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.