if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating