if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.