If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
(Jupiter –
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do