Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.