If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Every
Single
Year
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Every haunted house movie:
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
translated into Canadian
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?