Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

#Caturday

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.