Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

I really had high hopes for this year though

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”