Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.