Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Go hard or stay average