If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Chicken bread
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
