If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol