If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people