If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them