Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Ok but actually

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan