If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
You Might Also Like
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips