Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]

[Bed time]

Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.