Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*