Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

🥶🥶🐶🐶

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”