Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift