Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.