If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies