Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

are they though??

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity