If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
man i love columbo
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Rather alarming headline…
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.