Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”