If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Whoa 😂
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
liiiiiiiiike
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.