Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

marvel comics have peaked

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.