Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this