If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”