If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!