If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
new wife guy just dropped
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again