If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.