If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.