If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.