If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me too 😆
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move