If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My humor is broken
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
5 ways to appear taller
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body